JUAN & ISABELLA HUMBOLDT. MEMBERS OF THE SPHENISCUS HUMBOLDTI THIS IS AN AVERAGE SIZED PENGUIN WITH A FULL GROWN WEIGHT OF NO MORE THAN 13 POUNDS. WHEN THEY MATURE THEY WILL DEVELOP A BLACK BREAST BAND. IT WILL EXTEND ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE THIGH REGION. THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAND AROUND THEIR NECK WHICH IS AN EASY WAY TO TELL THEM FROM THE MAGELLANIC PENGUINS THAT LIVE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THEM.
REGIE AND GUMMY.
AN ILLUSTRATION OF THE DIFFERENCE IN SIZE AND MASS.
JUAN AND ISABELLA IN THEIR WEASEL AND STOATS WHILST REGIE MAKES DO WITH A WOOLY HAT.
THE FOLLOWING STORY TELLS US OF REGIE’S ORIGINS, ADVENTURES, MISHAPS AND HIGHLIGHTS. THE STORY WILL BE EMBELISHED EVOLVED ON AN OCCASIONAL BASIS. TO KEEP TOTALLY UP TO DATE WITH REGIE’S SHENANIGANS SEE HIS BLOG HERE. OR CLICK HERE TO RECEIVE REGULAR UPDATES.
Regie was born in 2011 on the Pacific coast of Chile in South America. His Mum and Dad (Isabella & Juan) worked on the deep sea fishing fleets, operating far into the Pacific Ocean, catching and fetching fish for their boss Flipper the Skipper.
One fateful day, on Regie’s first birthday, he was taken out to sea with his Mum and Dad to begin his deep sea fishing training.
On the deck Juan pecked Isabella on the cheek as he prepared to make his first dive. ‘While you’re down there’, giggled Isabella as she patted Juan’s airborne tail.
A little confused at this remark, Regie stood on deck with his Mum watching his Dad ducking, diving and delivering fish after fish, not muffing a single effort! Regie couldn’t wait to dive overboard and let loose his beak.
But his Mum gave out an involuntary squeak as she watched Juan take on a giant Patagonian Toothfish.
THE PATAGONIAN TOOTHFISH OR CHILEAN SEABASS (DISSOSTICHUS ELEGINOIDES) IS A LARGE, DEMERSAL FISH SPECIES GROWING TO UP TO 2 METRES IN LENGTH AND LIVING FOR UP TO 50 YEARS
‘What’s he doing taking on that thing’ she wailed. ‘He’ll get himself killed! Why’s he having a go at him? He’s way out of his depth here!’
Then she mumbled ‘I knew it. His ancient lineage to the now extinct Pinguis Glasgowuis has taken control of his mind’
And sure enough both Isabella and Regie watched as Juan feigned a left flipper and shot in for a perfect beakbutt.
‘Take that Jimmy’ Juan gargled as he rounded for a second assault. But alas as he moved in for the kill Gummy (as the toothfish was known due to losing all of his teeth to an extreme case of the parasite gnashus evictus) flipped his ginormous tail and caught Juan square in the Pectus Carinatu (chest).
Horrified, Isabella instinctively dived in for the rescue. Bamboozled, Regie did the same.
As Mum and son swam like crazies towards a stunned Juan, their eyes bulged with horror as they watched Gummy move in for a deadly suck. Isabella threw herself between attacker and victim whilst Regie shot in to deliver a mighty beakbutt and connected right in Gummy’s dorsals. With a high pitched whine Gummy’s eyes crossed and he passed out.
Juan recovered consciousness and the three Humboldts grabbed Gummy and started swimming victoriously to the surface only to find that when they surfaced there was no sign of Flipper the Skipper’s boat The Codpiece.
Whilst getting stuck into Gummy, a fierce current had carried all four of them southwards towards the continental ice shelf of the southern hemisphere…Antarctica!!! As their flippers strted to fail them, all three penguins swam and dragged their conquest towards the ice shore only for Gummy to regain consciousness and go into a major hissy fit.
Regie and parents struck out for terra slippy and swam like the wind (that can’t be right) as Gummy chased them, his lethal suck just millimetres from their vulnerable back bits. AS all three penguins propelled themselves out of the water and onto the ice, Gummy’s ferocious lips closed in for the kill only for him to miss and whack his chin on the ice adding a Bruce Forsyth intonation to his already gummy speech.
‘Phew!’ said Isabella. ‘Blimey!’ said Juan. ‘Holy shit!’ said Regie as Mum and Dad gave him a disapproving glare.
‘Wherethefucawe?’ shouted Juan. ‘I’ve no bloody idea, but I’ts bleedin taters and I need me bloody weasel an stoat. I reckon we’re Kate Mossed!’ replied Isabella who had stumbled upon her own extinct lineage of the Pinguis Cockneytus.
BOSH! was the noise that resonated across the frozen landscape, as Regie flippered a snowball straight into his Dad’s chest (Pectus Carinatu…remember?). And it all kicked off as the three stranded penguins threw themselves into their first ever snowball fight.
And so began the Humboldt’s forced emigration to Antarctica…….